EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL…HOW DO YOU HANDLE IT?

It will not be news to pastors and former pastors to know that leading a congregation of God’s people is a daunting task.  The very metaphor of the “body” as used in Scripture to describe the church is one filled with the serious and the humorous.  A reading of 1 Corinthians 12:14-27 confirms this.

I recall hearing Evangelist Junior Hill refer to this passage. He said many want to be something they are not. Some may be a big toe, but they want to be an eye. He then said, “But remember, if you are a big toe and want to be an eye, all you will ever see is the end of a sock!” OK. But we laughed when we he said it! I guess it’s all in the way you tell the story.

Most pastors and other church leaders have to deal with various kinds of people. Some are really emotionally dysfunctional, but they are part of the body. I want to talk about one of the most difficult in this post and refer you to some resources.

There is a type of person that resorts to what is called by some “emotional blackmail”. I like that term. Let me acknowledge that I first saw that term in a book of the same title by Susan Forward, Ph.D.  You need to know that Dr. Forward is a therapist, lecturer, and author. There is nothing in the book that would indicate that she is a person of Christian faith or evangelical faith. I simply do not know the answer to that question.

So why refer to this book? I find it very valuable is its description of a kind of person we as church leaders interact with on a fairly frequent basis. So the book is valuable for its descriptive purposes.

Prescription is to be found in the Word of God. It is unwise to use the wisdom of the world as prescriptive when the issue is a spiritual problem.

Dr. Forward describes emotional blackmail as a powerful form of manipulation in which some people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you to do what they want. If you do not yield to their desires, they will threaten us. They know we value the relationship with them. They often know where we are vulnerable. They use these and other things to gain one thing – our compliance to their desires.

She summarizes these types of people as to their method. In chapter 2, she describes them as the punisher; the self-punisher; the sufferer; and the tantalizer. These are methods used to ultimately gain our compliance to the blackmailer’s wishes.

Some of these people are in the body of Christ, and some of them will call you this week, or meet you in some part of the local church building just before you step to the platform to begin the morning worship service. You last thought prior to entering worship is on that conversation. And it can be a huge tool of the devil to distract the man of God from the mission and message of God.

What do we do? Here are some suggestions.

First, our own heart must be prepared. Obviously we as leaders need to practice what we preach and have our own time with the Lord.

Second, we must not let our own character development slip or be arrested. A valuable resource to help with that is Jeff Iorg’s book, “The Character of Leadership”.

Third, Pray and immerse yourself in the unity passages and pastoral letters of the New Testament. Read Proverbs and take notes of the passages the Holy Spirit presses to your heart and mind as those that speak either as descriptive of the person or prescriptive of a biblical solution.

Fourth, reflect upon and/or know your own personality strengths and weaknesses. If your personality lends itself to being a people pleaser (not a compromiser, but one who values being well thought of to the extent you will do what others desire to gain their approval), you are very vulnerable to the person practicing emotional blackmail. If you are too aggressive this can be a potential explosion that will not cure the problem but will instead accomplish the desire of the Great Manipulator, Satan himself. Know who you are; know whose you are.

Fifth, bring around you trusted leadership of the congregation. Mentor them. Seek their wisdom. When issues come up, present to them a careful analysis of the issue (not the personality) and biblical solutions. Ask them to pray with you and ask them to share with you their thoughts. Sometimes, effective resolution means a change of procedures of how the church processes certain ministries. It may even be a change in constitution and by-laws. These need to be prayerfully thought through. The last thing you want is a “reaction”. Be proactive, always.

This will take longer but it will pay dividends in the future. Your credibility will be enhanced, and if you focus on the problem and not the person, the solution will be long-term and will forward the mission of God through the church. Sometimes a brother or sister can be restored. Sometimes, they themselves are not even aware of what they are doing. Correction can sometimes be achieved without destroying a brother or sister in Christ.

Sixth, act redemptively and with witnesses. Avoid at all costs situations of confrontation in which you do not have trusted church leadership by your side. Titus 3:10 is very specific in how to deal with those who are divisive. But you must have truth, love, and support of leadership. Make sure your own heart is redemptive and you are communicating that in word and body language.

Seventh, give God the glory and honor for resolution of the issue. Stay focused on the mission God has given.

These are some suggestions I have this a.m. Others of you may have experience in dealing with these kinds of situations. Comments?

ARE YOU WINNING THE DAILY BATTLE?

“Brother, I believe we are in trouble” was the assessment of a tenured pastor of a Southern Baptist congregation in Texas. That was a summary statement after a discussion of issues, attitudes, and challenges facing the Bride of Christ in the 21st century.

In my own conversations, I have heard stories of dysfunction within congregations that are amazing. Some seem to have the ability to do things to people in the world of religion that are unconscionable in the world of Scripture, and sometimes even illegal according to the laws of the land.

Perhaps you have experienced some of those things. Pastors and staff members tend to pick up and move on, all the time smiling but inside dying. And the collateral damage is usually the wife and children.

I recall an expression from my childhood: “If God will keep him anointed, we will keep him humbled.” Many have used this and perhaps the first time it was said someone just made it up as an example of how some were treated. However, I have heard it verbalized, usually around the time to consider salary.

Dr. Ray C. Stedman’s “Spiritual Warfare” is an older book about winning the daily battle. I would encourage you to click on the link and order the book. Stedman brought Biblical balance to Ephesians 6:10-13. Later in this post I will borrow from him to offer some suggestions for winning this battle and hopefully whet your appetite to read Stedman.

“God is not interested in religion, but he is tremendously interested in life. I am deeply convinced that we can only understand life when we see it as the Bible sees it.” Stedman is on target here and should encourage those of us who believe Scripture to be the inerrant word of the living God.

We minister after several hundred years of the effect of the movement called Rationalism. This gave rise to what we know as Modernity. This was a movement elevating reason above revelation. It rejected absolute truth and sought to find meaning in reason and the solitary individual. It has affected all of the structures of Western society, including the Church and its institutions. It has resulted in a breakdown of morality, personhood, and community. Sarcasm is the humor of choice. Even conservative movements in church and politics have not escaped the results of reason that trumps revelation.

Here is the rub. We minister weekly to wonderful people who want to love God with their whole heart. But their worldview is affected by all of the influences around them that value reason over revelation. Therefore, Scripture becomes a big evangelistic tract, and not the truth of the living God. You have heard, “Well, as long as they are saved. That’s what counts, and they made a decision ….”. You know the thought process.

These are those with a worldly world view where reason trumps revelation. And they are in our pews. The key for them is that we continue to love them unconditionally and preach/teach the truth of Scripture. But how do we survive the onslaught of the reason of the world expressed through people whose talk is prefaced by “I think…”?

Stedman offers some help in a chapter entitled “Advice When Attacked”.

First is to put on the armor of God – the whole armor. This is essentially done in our thought life.

Second is to pray. Stedman does a masterful job of showing how the armor and prayer belong together.

“Our problem with life is that we do not see it as it is; we suffer from strange illusions. This is why we desperately need and must have the revelation of the facts of Scripture. Life is what God has declared it to be.” – Stedman, p. 130.

Third, Stedman points out that we must do more than think; we must bring our thoughts into fulfillment.

We can summarize God’s helps to winning the daily battle by putting on God’s armor, praying, and acting. In the text of Ephesians 6:10-18, that is the order. The result of reversing these is impotence in prayer and a lack of success in the spiritual battle.

There is so much more as Stedman fills in the relationship of armor, prayer, and doing. Good reading and may you and your family win the daily battle! Sundays are much better when we win Monday through Saturday!

 

PASTORS AND WIVES…THE HURT GOES ON

Have you seen Lonesome Dove? Do you recall the scene where the Army scout is attempting to take Newt’s horse and is whipping Newt while he hangs on to the horse? Captain Call sees it, rides down and mauls the scout with a branding iron. Gus ropes Call to pull him off the scout. When Call comes to his senses he mounts his horse, brushes his coat and looks at the crowd gathered and says, “I hate rudeness in a man…won’t tolerate it.” With that, tips his hat to the ladies and he rides away.

Perhaps you have wished for a Capt. Call to ride in and rescue you or your spouse from the rudeness inflicted upon them by uncaring church members. This past week my wife and I heard another story of hurt and pain as an older man had called out a pastor’s wife and with his remarks inflicted pain. In another situation, a pastor listened as a layman said inappropriate things from the platform.

Common Sense 101 is not an option, although we wish it were.  However, what is an option is pastor and wives reaching out to other pastors in fellowship.

Do you and your wife have another pastor and wife that is a friend?

What are your relational needs? The SBTC is a fellowship of confessing congregations and we care. We care in community and we care as a staff. The Minister/Church Relations Dept. and the Facilitating Ministries Dept. are sensitive to these needs.

So here is what we are asking. Talk back to us. Comment anonymously as to the need you and your family has and then send an email to us. The address is on the blog. Take the risk and be authentic. Let’s see what God will do out of this for His glory and your good.

WHY CONFLICT IN CHURCHES?

Perhaps one of the greatest disconnects in the Body of Christ is the amount of conflict experienced in the local church. This conflict often results in forced termination of pastor and/or staff. For purposes of this post, I am speaking of conflict that results in the forced termination of pastor and/or staff.

Mike Smith, Director of the Southern Baptists of Texas Convention’s Minister-Church Relations Dept. will be leading a brief “Whiteboard” workshop at the annual meeting in Lubbock, TX at 4:15 p.m. on Tuesday, October 27, 2009 at the Church Ministries booth. Mike will expand on the following information which is used here courtesy of Mike Smith.

Since 1984 Southern Baptist Directors of Mission (DOMs) have sought to understand the causes of this conflict. To be sure, there are some valid reasons for forced terminations. According to Mike Smith, the past ten years have basically been the same although there is some movement among the top 8 reasons. However, 9 and 10 are there for the first time. What are the reasons and their order?

1. Control Issues – who is going to run the church?

2. Poor people skills on the part of the pastor

3. Church’s resistance to change

4. Pastor’s leadership style is too strong

5. Church was already conflicted when the pastor arrived

6. Decline in attendance

7. Pastor’s leadership style is too weak

8. Administrative incompetence on the part of the Pastor

9. Sexual misconduct

10. Disagreement over doctrine

Here is reality in the Southern Baptist Convention. In 2008 181 bi-vocational pastors were terminated, 343 full-time pastors, and 211 staff. That is 735 for the year; 61 per month; 14 per week; and 2 per day.

Mike will expand upon these by offering some solutions during the Whiteboard workshop SBTC’s annual meeting in Lubbock.

We know there are reasons in the “natural” and there are steps that can be taken to help both staff and congregations. Many preventatives are learned skills.  But there are also reasons in the “spiritual” that are spiritual conflict issues. We will address solutions to some of those in a future post.

However, it would be disastrous to ignore the reality of the human, or ‘natural’ causes and lump them all in the category of spiritual conflict. We must be responsible to present ourselves to the Lord and His people with excellence and not hide behind attitudes such as “well, it’s just the old devil”. Sometimes we present the old devil some pretty good clubs.

I encourage you to hear Mike and let the SBTC help you and your congregation. You might even find the old expression, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” to be valuable in preventing and navigating church conflict.