WHEN THEY DON’T LOVE BACK

The call came tonight. The pastor on the other end said, “Brother, so and so is having trouble.” He continued to name several pastors who were having difficulty in their church.

Most pastors I know genuinely love the congregation to which God has assigned them. These are men who take their shepherding responsibility seriously and are not unlike a parent. Often they say what needs to be said and they do what needs to be done even though the congregation may want to hear what they want and see the pastor do what they want.

It is not in arrogance that the pastor must obey a higher authority. I pity the minister who actually wants the people to dislike him. I pity the man who does not care what they think. That kind of loss of sensitivity dulls one’s ears to a great source of the leadership of God – the voice of the people of God. God does lead through others.

But at this writing I am thinking of the pastor who in his own humanity is not perfect, but in his own heart loves unconditionally only to have it dished back, unaccepted and misunderstood. Have you been there? What does one do when they don’t love back? This could true of a parent or a spouse as well as a pastor.

First, keep loving. The Rich Young Ruler did not hear what he wanted to hear. He heard what he needed to hear. This young man came to Jesus. He wanted eternal life. In the midst of the conversation when he pushed back on the words of Jesus, Matthew inserts the emotion of Jesus when he says, “Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him…” (Matthew 10:21). Jesus knew his love for this man would not be returned. Yet he loved him anyway. It is tough to do when the pain is so intense. But it is the model of Jesus that carries all the way to the cross, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).

Second, reflect upon your leadership style and word choices. We must honestly ask ourselves if there is cause.  My Homiletics professor taught about “en-coding” and “de-coding”. I know – old terms. But useful. “En-coding” is what we say and all that goes with that – words, inflection, gestures, etc. “De-coding” is what the person in the pew, or the person on the other end of the conversation hears. Sometimes they do not hear what we intended.

Recently I made a statement in a small group. Since that time, three people have asked, “What did you mean when you said…?” Two of the three did not remember all that I said, but it troubled them. Thank God these asked and I was able to explain. But often they do not ask. They repeat what they think they heard and it is sometimes far from what as intended. Choose your words carefully.

Third, lean hard. Ask God for strength and perseverance. We need strength to bear the pain and perseverance to trust the heart of God and pray through to a place of victory. For me, this is the most difficult. I am one who is sometimes plagued with the nagging “why” question. When life knocks us around a bit, trust is sometimes difficult.

Unfortunately, when an all-powerful Sovereign God allows pain and rejection to come, we sometimes have difficulty trusting his heart. It is amazing that the real life stories of despair doesn’t make it in many of today’s sermons. People like Charles H. Spurgeon and Amy Carmichael suffered greatly in their service for King Jesus.

Amy Carmichael was a missionary heroin whose writings are read today. She traveled to South India as an evangelist and ministered among the hurting children for over 50 years. Yet her life was filled with self hate, fear of failure, loneliness, and other negative emotions. Yet she learned to overcome. In speaking of perhaps the purpose of her sufferings she said, “The call to enter for the second time into any painful experience is a sign of our Lord’s confidence.”

Charles H. Spurgeon battled severe bouts of depression. He once wrote, “The strong are not alway vigorous, the wise not always ready, the brave not always courageous, and the joyous not always happy.” Elizabeth Skoglund says that

“Charles Haddon Spurgeon, the man who suffered from terrific depression, feared financial disaster, suffered from loneliness, and spent weeks ill in bed, speaks to our present-day needs more deeply than most of our contemporaries.”

Simon Peter, himself often afflicted with emotional outbursts learned from the Psalmist. “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee” (Psalm 55:22). Simon Peter wrote, “Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you” (1 Peter 5:7). The Psalms often provide solace when we have experienced great grief.

Fourth, Remember. I’ve often wondered if the father of the Prodigal Son rehearsed past events. Did he ask himself what he did wrong? We know the young son treated his father with extreme disrespect. In demanding his inheritance early, it was as if he was saying, “Father, I wish you were dead.” All of the love and care extended dissolved into a selfish act that was the first of many by the young man on the way to the bottom.

There are two sons in the story. The young man hits the road, the elder brother hits the field to work. He was able to keep his bitterness in check until he saw the lavish love extended to the younger by the father when the younger returned home. In words said to both sons, it is obvious the father is not only remembering who these sons are, but also whose. They belong to the Father. We need to remember that. We, too, belong to the Father.

And many who do not return the love extended also belong to the Father. Perhaps the elder brother fits in that category. The story ends with the words of the Father. We do not know his response, which leads me to conclude that the response of those who reject and hurt us is not what is most important. What is most important is that we remember both who we are and whose we are.

Sometimes they don’t love back. Sometimes it is a congregation. Other times it may be a child or a spouse. It is wonderful when they do, but sometimes they do not. Somewhere in the pain, there is God. I’m reminded of the old gospel song: God Walks The Dark Hills. In the dark places of life, God walks with us to guide us.

Inside-Outside: The culture of the church

These are thoughts written some time ago in the context of my blog and brought back here for current reflection. The question is important, and is the beginning of some posts on justice issues. In a sense, community does not exclude biblical justice!

I was once asked to help a congregation develop a small group ministry. This was a very good congregation with a long and admired history. They have recently relocated to a different community. The issue at hand is that they are getting many visitors to the Sunday worship service but these are not being assimilated into the Sunday School or other areas in the life of the church.

Some wanted to drive small group with curriculum. Huge mistake. No doubt we should teach within the boundary of the Apostles’ teaching (Acts 2:42), but small group is a method of developing Community, and Community is about relationships.

Which brings me to the point. Why the Church? Why the “called out ones”? Often in discussions some want to push every word to extremes. For example, if I asked “Do you go to “church” or are you the church? Some would take one extreme or another and shape the conversation around whether or not one should attend public worship. That is missing the point.

The point is about identity as a follower of Jesus and how we live that out with others. We are called, transformed, and sent with the gospel message. The new community of which we are a part is a relational community.

Within the biblical parameter, there is mutual accountability. Accountability can only be positive in an environment of loving relationships. In the context of evangelism, no one is won to Christ by someone they do not like. In the context of the church, no one will submit to accountability or discipline unless they believe the church or the other person genuinely loves them.

Love does not gloss over sin or bad behavior. Confrontation is sometimes necessary and almost always painful. The Bible uses a phrase that we sometimes over-use and by doing so we can negate its impact: “But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into Him who is the head – Christ” (Eph. 4:15).

I confess my guilt in using this verse as an excuse for sometimes blurting out words that are truth, but not said in a loving way or with the intent of helping the hearer ‘grow in every way into Him’.

Many churches have what I call an “inside culture”. These are wonderful people who are very out of touch with the desires of the culture around them. In order to be part of that church, one must first learn the “inside culture” and adapt their life to it. That will happen less and less. And it is death to a convention of churches.

Does not love teach us to take proactive steps to develop biblical community in such a way as to break down the walls in order for us to develop healthy relationships and become catalysts for the transformation of soul that only Christ can bring?

Do you see an “inside culture” that is prohibitive in reaching people? How do you deal with it in your context?

Camelot, Camels, and Center

My first date with my wife was to see the movie Camelot. We sat in the balcony holding hands as Arthur and Guinevere romanced and sought to build the round table. Unfortunately Lancelot captured Guinevere’s affections and she and Lancelot betrayed Arthur. Mordred, the illegitimate son of Arthur exposed the affair with the intent of destroying Arthur and taking his throne. The end scene in the movie was on a battlefield on which Lancelot and Arthur would lead their Knights to fight to the death. Guinevere came out of the fog to reveal she had taken refuge in a convent. She wept out a movie version of repentance to Arthur, who forgave her.

Of course, the movie is fiction and most scholars regard the story as fiction as well. Arthurian scholar Norris J. Lacy commented that “Camelot, located no where in particular, can be anywhere”.

That has certainly been true in American politics with the Kennedy administration. It is often referred to as “Camelot”.

My question is this. Is that also true of some past history in denominational and church life? And if so, was it ever as good as some remember? I hear people talk about the “old days”. In my own mind I have mostly been an outsider. But I have listened. And I have come to believe that much of what some talk about is Lacy’s definition of “Camelot” – located no where in particular, can be anywhere.”

Which leads to the question, ‘Is this why some insist upon swallowing camels’? Jesus refers to some in his day as “blind guides, straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel” (Matthew 23:24). What was the problem in Matthew 23? Seven woes are pronounced upon those who preach but do not practice (23:3).

You see, Camelot exists only in the imagination. No doubt there have been good times and bad times in history, but we do not live in history. We are informed and somewhat shaped by it, but we live in the present and prepare for the future. The Scriptures speak of David as serving the purpose of God in his own generation, then dying (Acts 13:36).

And I remind you – Camelot did not end well and camels are very difficult to swallow!

May I offer a suggestion in the form of a question for 2010? Whether it be the local church in which we serve, the denomination, or the Great Commission Resurgence – can we find our center in Christ?

I have never doubted the inerrancy of Scripture. I learned that at my father’s knee as a child. My parents could not give theological reasons nor did they use the term “inerrancy”. But they did understand and teach that the Bible was God’s word and there was no error in Scripture. We have what God wants us to have. So, the sufficiency of Scripture was learned as a child. But as an adult I have also learned the superiority of Scripture.

If ministry methods, traditions of men, and social mores not taught in Scripture become equivalent to Scripture in our processing of discipleship and community, then are we perhaps swallowing a camel in search of a non-existent Camelot?

The revival we seek will only come when the Christ of the Bible is at the center. We can be described by boundaries we create, but we cannot be defined by them. A follower of Christ can only be defined by radical commitment to Him and the extension of His Kingdom.

The Christian life is one that requires an empowerment not from ourselves. We can only be empowered from Christ the center, not the boundaries. Thus, to live life together from the center is to live centered in Christ and focused on Christ.

Jesus taught us that the only thing attractive to humanity is the uplifted Christ (John 12:32). In the cross-resurrection event is both judgment upon sin and grace for the sinner. It is Christ the center that enables life for the sinner.

Historically, one generation does not pass down their vision to another. God is fully capable of calling, gifting, and giving vision to each generation. The question becomes “How may we flow together in a multi-generational world and church to the glory of God without segmentation that dismisses those not like us?”

I offer that we all submit to Christ as the center and one generation resources the next – not just in terms of money, but in terms of all we have. We resource with people, money, creativity, respect, honor of others, etc.

In other words, recognize that Christ dwells in the hearts by faith of all who have been born again. He has gifted each one. Now in your congregation and sphere of influence, how can that gifting be utilized for the glory of God and the extension of His kingdom? What resources do you and your congregation bring to the table?

We might begin by with taking the camel off the menu and understanding that Camelot is fiction. Christ alone is reality (Col. 2:8-17).

May 2010 be a year for you in which you and your congregation see the abundant blessings of God and His favor.

ARE YOU WINNING THE DAILY BATTLE?

“Brother, I believe we are in trouble” was the assessment of a tenured pastor of a Southern Baptist congregation in Texas. That was a summary statement after a discussion of issues, attitudes, and challenges facing the Bride of Christ in the 21st century.

In my own conversations, I have heard stories of dysfunction within congregations that are amazing. Some seem to have the ability to do things to people in the world of religion that are unconscionable in the world of Scripture, and sometimes even illegal according to the laws of the land.

Perhaps you have experienced some of those things. Pastors and staff members tend to pick up and move on, all the time smiling but inside dying. And the collateral damage is usually the wife and children.

I recall an expression from my childhood: “If God will keep him anointed, we will keep him humbled.” Many have used this and perhaps the first time it was said someone just made it up as an example of how some were treated. However, I have heard it verbalized, usually around the time to consider salary.

Dr. Ray C. Stedman’s “Spiritual Warfare” is an older book about winning the daily battle. I would encourage you to click on the link and order the book. Stedman brought Biblical balance to Ephesians 6:10-13. Later in this post I will borrow from him to offer some suggestions for winning this battle and hopefully whet your appetite to read Stedman.

“God is not interested in religion, but he is tremendously interested in life. I am deeply convinced that we can only understand life when we see it as the Bible sees it.” Stedman is on target here and should encourage those of us who believe Scripture to be the inerrant word of the living God.

We minister after several hundred years of the effect of the movement called Rationalism. This gave rise to what we know as Modernity. This was a movement elevating reason above revelation. It rejected absolute truth and sought to find meaning in reason and the solitary individual. It has affected all of the structures of Western society, including the Church and its institutions. It has resulted in a breakdown of morality, personhood, and community. Sarcasm is the humor of choice. Even conservative movements in church and politics have not escaped the results of reason that trumps revelation.

Here is the rub. We minister weekly to wonderful people who want to love God with their whole heart. But their worldview is affected by all of the influences around them that value reason over revelation. Therefore, Scripture becomes a big evangelistic tract, and not the truth of the living God. You have heard, “Well, as long as they are saved. That’s what counts, and they made a decision ….”. You know the thought process.

These are those with a worldly world view where reason trumps revelation. And they are in our pews. The key for them is that we continue to love them unconditionally and preach/teach the truth of Scripture. But how do we survive the onslaught of the reason of the world expressed through people whose talk is prefaced by “I think…”?

Stedman offers some help in a chapter entitled “Advice When Attacked”.

First is to put on the armor of God – the whole armor. This is essentially done in our thought life.

Second is to pray. Stedman does a masterful job of showing how the armor and prayer belong together.

“Our problem with life is that we do not see it as it is; we suffer from strange illusions. This is why we desperately need and must have the revelation of the facts of Scripture. Life is what God has declared it to be.” – Stedman, p. 130.

Third, Stedman points out that we must do more than think; we must bring our thoughts into fulfillment.

We can summarize God’s helps to winning the daily battle by putting on God’s armor, praying, and acting. In the text of Ephesians 6:10-18, that is the order. The result of reversing these is impotence in prayer and a lack of success in the spiritual battle.

There is so much more as Stedman fills in the relationship of armor, prayer, and doing. Good reading and may you and your family win the daily battle! Sundays are much better when we win Monday through Saturday!

 

PASTORS AND WIVES…THE HURT GOES ON

Have you seen Lonesome Dove? Do you recall the scene where the Army scout is attempting to take Newt’s horse and is whipping Newt while he hangs on to the horse? Captain Call sees it, rides down and mauls the scout with a branding iron. Gus ropes Call to pull him off the scout. When Call comes to his senses he mounts his horse, brushes his coat and looks at the crowd gathered and says, “I hate rudeness in a man…won’t tolerate it.” With that, tips his hat to the ladies and he rides away.

Perhaps you have wished for a Capt. Call to ride in and rescue you or your spouse from the rudeness inflicted upon them by uncaring church members. This past week my wife and I heard another story of hurt and pain as an older man had called out a pastor’s wife and with his remarks inflicted pain. In another situation, a pastor listened as a layman said inappropriate things from the platform.

Common Sense 101 is not an option, although we wish it were.  However, what is an option is pastor and wives reaching out to other pastors in fellowship.

Do you and your wife have another pastor and wife that is a friend?

What are your relational needs? The SBTC is a fellowship of confessing congregations and we care. We care in community and we care as a staff. The Minister/Church Relations Dept. and the Facilitating Ministries Dept. are sensitive to these needs.

So here is what we are asking. Talk back to us. Comment anonymously as to the need you and your family has and then send an email to us. The address is on the blog. Take the risk and be authentic. Let’s see what God will do out of this for His glory and your good.